Bread Stick Wars!
by Quarter Queen 13
Summary: Staring- Mello, Near, Matt, Linda, and L. Who will win? What will happen? How many bread sticks will survive? What will happen to the fairy princess? Will chocolate take over? And will L be able to stop the sheer madness? Read and find out! Go!


**Hey everyone! I haven't written anything for here since the ice age! XD The idea for this story was just another creation from my random mind. I also added a very informational Q&A for those of you who love me so. ;D Hope you like it! Or not... And remember... ALWAYS EAT YOUR BROCCOLI! Love ya!**

**And just so we are clear, all the spelling and or grammar mistakes were made by my evil twin!**

"Six inches!" Mello yelled into Nears face angrily.

"Seven." Near answered, with his normal squeak of a voice a bit more aggravated.

"Six!"

"Seven."

"Six!"

"Seven."

"Six!!"

"Seven."

"How many times do I have to tell you?! A bread stick is six inches long! You idiot!" Mello screamed as he crushed a square of chocolate into his mouth, the scream, just loud enough to make all of the doors down the hall open, and little heads pop out to see what the commotion was. Of course, most already knew that a fight like this was normal, and soon went on with their own business again, ignoring the flaming red Mello, and slightly bewildered Near.

"They are seven inches long." Near replied, LEGOs jingling in his pockets, just staring down the main hall marked with different dorm numbers as they walked towards the staircase that led to the main hall, then soon to the kitchen where the feud would be settled; as previously planned.

"Six!" Mello muttered as he bit off another piece of his dissipating chocolate bar. Pretending it was one of Near's limbs always helped ease his anger until he could some day really crack the neck of the little twit without having to hear Roger yell down the hall 'Mello, be nice to the albino- I mean boy!'

"Seven" Near replied again, watching Mello slide down the staircase as he carefully took each step like always, fluffy hair being twirled with one finger as he looked down at the steps and placed his feet in the exact middle of each. He knew that Mello had already made it down in one piece when he heard a loud _bang_ as feet met floor.

Once Near had successfully reached the main hall after what seemed like an hour of calculating each step in his mind Mello had eaten the rest of his chocolate bar and had forgotten to pack extra. He soon started to fidget with his clothes seeming as he had no chocolate to fixate upon, eyes beginning to bug out as he looked for the kitchen door, but instead catching the eye of Matt on one of his rare game breaks. "Six!" Mello screamed first at Near before looking back at Matt eyes wide "Matt! Six! Matt! Six!" He went back and forth with each, having a chocolate withdrawal.

Near's eyes widen as he saw Mello begin to bug out and held back a laugh, watching as Matt rushed over just in time for Mello's knees to give out and laid him on the floor. He continued to watch as Mello squirmed and continuously repeated 'Chocolate!!!!!!!!' then he burst out in laughter, before he was poked in the gut with Matt's DS flying at him at full speed and was pushed back into the wall, air getting knocked out of him. Soon guessing that Mello had thrown it when he saw that he was laughing.

"Whoa, that was awesome!!" Matt yelled getting distracted from the situation as he saw Mello's perfect aim hit Near hard, loving the fact that it looked just like it did on the glowing game screen he was always glued to. Then as he felt Mello kick him he went back into crises mode "Oh yeah! Sorry, bud!"

"CHOCOLATE!!!" Mello screamed, still rolling around on the floor like he was having and asthma attack, and kicking Matt to hurry up with the chocolate.

Near sat slumped for a few more seconds as he heaved in more breath, then looked down at the small DS that had almost knocked him out, less then five pounds of plastic. He shook his head and pulled up one sleeve, inspecting his twig of an arm. "Aw, I have to start working out more." He mumbled to himself and then headed off to the kitchen to find some bread sticks, now determined to find the facts and shut Mello up, knowing he was right.

"Near! You get the chocolate bars, I'll get the chocolate sauce!" Matt yelled as he ran full speed into kitchen before Near could even reach out to the set of swinging doors that led into the kitchen. "Oh sure, I'll get right on that" Near mumbled, wide blue eyes soon shown under his puffy hair as he saw the door swing back and hit him in the face, completely knocking him over this time. "Owie…." He whimpered as he opened his eyes to see Matt busy looking around in the kitchen, even though at the moment it was more like five Matt's.

Matt ran out with a tray of all things chocolate, jumping over a dizzy Near in the process of getting back over to Mello. Once there, he began his procedure… "Stand back everyone! This could get chocolaty!" he said to the empty hallway hands up as if he were warding off some invisible people. He tried to remember all of the medical terms he hadn't paid attention to in class "An-est-i-tize or whatever the patent, Nurse." He said in a deep doctor voice as Mello cupped this throat and squirmed. Then he pressed one of the buttons on his DS and a beep sounded. "All set doctor" He said back to himself in a girlish Nurse voice, then went back to being the doctor and carefully opened Mello's mouth. "This wont hurt a bit, sonny." He said bursting out laughing after he shoved a huge piece of chocolate cake down Mello's throat and then began throwing all things chocolate on him. By this time Matt was having a blast, and pretending to aim at a monster in a game as he threw more cake at Mello and was doubled over laughing when he looked over his finished product.

_**Now… We take a break to listen to me talk since we all know how fun that can be! Yeah…You can skip this if you really don't like me, or you just don't feel like reading anything else, or you just think I'm weird and this story is the worst, or you are just sitting here reading this right now and are getting the impression that I really am creepy… Well… Yeah, maybe I am… But I rule the broccoli world so don't judge me. NOW READ… Or not.**_

No that wasn't it just to tell you this next part is when I talk. Or this whole thing is… Wow…

Where did everyone go for gods sake!?!?! This doesn't make any sense!!!! Where are the bread stick wars?!?!?!**The answer to that is I didn't feel like writing about anyone else at the moment and DON'T WORRY the bread sticks WILL come! So… Deal with it! And keep reading for god's sake!!! Jeez, why do you guys even stop to read my rants? I have no clue. **Why are you talking to yourself? **Oh! That's an easy one! Because. I. Have. No. Life. **Can you stop talking now? **You know what!? Yeah, I have no clue, but next time you shouldn't be so rude! Pft, who taught you your manners anyway? What!? I did???? Liar. And your pants are totally not on fire. I really don't get that saying anyway so just consider it a blessing. Or not. Fine!!** I WANA READ ON!** Fine! Go! Leave me! Eat your own fudge! Pie doesn't have legs!** What the heck!? **I don't know!!! Now read you plums!** Okay…

**_One hour later… Yes, we are back into the story now you weirdoes…_**

Near sat curled up in his usual formation looking down at a now totally brown and sleeping Mello. "I didn't know he sucked his thumb when he slept" Near said as he looked down at Mello laying on his side with his arm up, brown chocolate coated finger in his mouth. A bread stick was clutched lighting in one of his hands and he brought it up, poking Mello repeatedly in the face with it. "oooOOoooOOoooooOoOoo" Near sounded as he watched Mello flinch in different areas when poked. "Fascinating" He concluded mostly to himself, but guessing Matt heard it too since he was a foot away playing his DS and waiting for Mello to wake up again, goggles on top of his head and eyes in a squint to concentrate on the current killing spree he was on.

"Mmhm" Matt agreed without really looking away from his game and barley making out what Near was saying much less what he was doing.

When Mello finally woke up by the constant poking he opened his eyes to see the bread stick being jabbed right above his eye as Near conducted his flinching experiment "Ahh!" he yelled and ducted away before it could hit him. He removed his thumb from his mouth as it took him a second to notice and then looked down at himself with wide eyes. "What the hell happen to me?! Who ruined my leather!? Near!!" He screamed and glared at the fluffy top of a still sitting Near, obviously not remembering the previous events with his nap.

"Mello, be nice to the albino- I mean boy!" Roger called quietly as he poked his head out of his office door before disappearing back into his own study.

Matt flung himself back up at the sound of his old pall being ready to kill Near and knew he was back to normal. "Well, look who decided to wake up!" Matt said with a smile as he paused his game and let it fall down at he walked over to Mello and grabbed a piece of cake off of him and ate it. "Yummy" He said with a nod "I give myself a ten."

Near stood up and nodded to Matt "Yes, he looks good enough to eat." He said with a small smile and poked Mello again with the bread stick, watching him flinch again. "Interesting" he nodded to himself and continued poking again.

Mello watched Matt eat off of him and gave him a weird look before being poked again. "Will you stop that already!?" he demanded, aggravated, and swiped the bread stick from Near's small hand and poking him back. "How do you like it!?" he asked face scrunched up with annoyance as he jabbed Near back.

"At least I don't flinch." Near said and swiped it back, watching Matt step back and away from the fight that was beginning to heat up. Near struck him back in the face and then looked over at Matt who was fiddling with the rest of the bread sticks and pulled one out.

"Mello catch!" Matt called, jumping up and flying it under his leg and into the air over to Mello, once again most likely copying some guy out of his Xbox games or something. But instead of landing on his feet when he came back down he landed on his butt.

Mello easily caught the bread stick and began prodding it in the air at Near, making him back up and then called back to Matt "Need to work on your landing!" before he poked Near back in his face. Soon enough they were in the weirdest poking match any of them had ever seen. But Mello kept pushing Near back, and since he was taller it wasn't much of a challenge. By the time Near had no where else to go but the house study and both their faces had turned red, and slightly brown from all the chocolate that was being spread around. Matt of course was close behind and by now had gotten out his camera and was catching the moment perfectly, even announcing their moves like the bad sports announcer he was.

All of the sudden Linda the little artist freak girl that had been obsessed with Near since the beginning walked in and froze right in the middle of the room. "What- How- Why?" she sputtered as she saw the messed up scene, the boys still caught deep in the brawl. Once she processed the scene she quickly ran in between the two of them and put up her hands in front of the boys faces, blocking Matt's camera at the same time. "Stop! Stop!" She yelled in her small voice that seemed to be getting smaller as she stood in the middle of everyone.

"Get out of my shot!" Matt yelled and shoved her away from the frozen Near and Mello, both of them in mid-poke. "And… Action!" Matt called and they both started poking each other again at rapid speed.

"No! No! No!" Linda yelled, feeling a bit stronger for some reason. "There has to be a more mature way for you guys to work our your conflicts!" She said getting in between them again and holding up her hands. "There must-" she was soon cut off when Matt interrupted from the side.

"Yeah there is a better way! I've got it!" Matt said as if a light bulb had just popped on in his head for the first time in a while and he jumped up, once more pushing Linda out of the way and looking at Near and Mello.

"You do?" Linda, Mello, and Near all said in unison as if Matt actually coming up with a plan was beyond him. All of them still frozen in place as if someone had pushed the pause button.

"What? I can't be the one that comes up with brilliant ideas too? That's a rip off." Matt commented partly to himself, face dull at first but then brightening as he restated his eureka to everyone again, his excitement bursting, "Anyway! I have a great idea!!" No responses… "Jousting!" he said with an extremely bright face that soon dampened when the room when cricket silent and everyone just stared at him like he was the weird one in the group.

Yeah sure, out of a chocolate covered boy who needs anger management classes, another who is literally albino and needs more human interaction, and a girl who is obsessed with the albino, oh sure! HE was the weird one.

Matt still stood frozen their waiting for some kind of response. Maybe a slap on the head from Mello would work? A detailed explanation on how it won't work from Near? Anything people!?

_**One more hour later in the same positions…**_

They all looked around at each other for a moment, Mello and Near in mid-poke, Linda on the side lines with her hands on her hips, and Matt still in the middle with the same extremely bight expression on his face that was now looking more and more like a 'kid in the candy store' face.

"Yeah!" Mello and Near cheered at last in acceptance to Matt's little 'idea' of sorts, and came out of their cramped positions. Then Linda on the other side of the room, just letting out a huff of a breath and retreated to a corner, expression all twisted up like she was about to burst, which would be a first for her, of all people. But then again, Mello still topped the Outburst List.

Matt jumped up with glee and took hold of Mello's arm pulling him away and out of the room. "Come on! We gota suit you for your armor!!" he said and ran out of the room, dragging Mello along with him and up to his room to go over plans. "Thirty minutes people!" he called back to Linda and Near who where just staring before he and Mello disappeared for good.

Meanwhile Linda jumped up, apparently all pepped up by the fact that she was now being left alone with Near. "Near! Near!" she squeaked and ran up to him with a bounce "Can I help you with your armor?" she asked getting a bit quieter.

Near's eyes widened as she bounced up with a full mood change. It scared him sometimes how women could do that… "Uh… Well, I'm not sure-" he started, thinking the whole armor idea was going a bit over the top before he was cut off by Linda continuing to squeak in joy and grabbing his hand before he could protest and dragging him along as Matt had done with Mello.

_**Thirty-five minutes, and two oddly armored boys later…**_

"Are you kidding me!? This is such a waste of chocolate!!" Mello screamed over the noise of the now gathered crowd that was in front of them in the study. They had been pointing and laughing at him ever since he had been dragged back down by Matt five minutes ago.

"But, but, its so _you…_" Matt fake whined as he gestured to the chocolate bar layered Mello. The whole thing that Matt had kept referring to as 'His Masterpiece' consisted of a layers of stringed chocolate bars that made up a sort of messed up shirt and a skirt, which Mello had refused to wear many times if it hadn't been for the deal that he would get to eat everything afterwards.

Mello just muttered a reply that was barely audible with the laughter that had some how amplified. He couldn't be that stupid looking! And guess what? He wasn't the one they were laughing at now…

Both Mello and Matt turned their heads to the direction many little fingers were pointing to and their eyes widen before they both collapsed in bursts of laughter. "Look- Its- The fairy- Princess!!" Mello yelled between breaths of laughter and also pointed and laughed at Near's entrance. He looked over at Matt who was trying to get some words out between laughs but was just doubled over with closed eyes and laughing his brains out like Mello. There was no doubt who had dressed Near for the occasion, and she was standing right behind him with the biggest smile plastered to her face as she kept Near from exiting the room, his face bright red, the most color most had ever seen on him.

As a mater of fact, his face wasn't the only thing that was full of color. It looked like a paint ball had splattered all over him, one that had sparkles all over it too. He wore -strait from Linda's closet- a pink frilly dress that had sequins stuck all over it, a hot pink scarf that highlighted his burning face, and some red high heels that he looked about to fall over in. Oh, and lets not forget about the magenta fairy wings, and the rainbow bows that were tied into his white hair and that gave everyone a scary reminder of how easily Near could pull off being a girl… "Lets just get this thing over with…" Near muttered as Linda pushed him forward into the crowd.

Matt soon was able to get up and stop laughing enough to do something, that is, if he didn't look at Near's new style. He fought for his breath and soon walked over to two large couches in the back of the room, rolling them over so they where opposite each other, the crowd also calming down with an interested 'ooooo…' Matt looked back to the frilly Near, and the chocolaty Mello with a laugh and then turned back to the crowd, pulling a pack of bread sticks out of his back pocket and using them as a microphone. "Girls and boys, I Matt, will be your announcer / referee / cheap merchandise sales consultant for the first ever _Bread Stick Wars!_" he started off and the crowd gave out an enthusiastic reply. "Today in the study, we will have _The Chocolate Fury _and the…" he paused on Near's name and then smiled as another bulb blew up in his mind and watched as Near got a stick look on his little red face. "And _The Fairy Princess!" _he said with a laugh and the room filled with laughter once more before quieting down again. "Man and Princess. Please mount your trusty steeds!" He said, gesturing to the over stuffed couches he had set up with wheels.

Mello walked over and sat on the back of one of the couches while Near on the other hand was shuffling over to Linda. "Take my heels" Near said to her as he handed her the red pumps and she got a proud look on her face before she burst out in happy tears. Talk about an odd scene… But despite Near's relevant embarrassment he got onto the other over stuffed couch as Matt walked around and sold chocolate bars and wands. Of course, fans ended up being divided up by gender. All the girls were flashing wands and the boys all eating and smearing chocolate over their faces. Mello looked a bit disgusted over the fact that his fans didn't know how to eat a perfectly good chocolate bar without looking like total idiots.

Once it seemed that every fan either had a wand or chocolate bar Matt was rich and had also acquired an orange whistle over his neck, you know, to make him look all professional and what not. Matt gave Mello and Near each a handful of breadsticks for the joust and called in two people per couch to 'push the two to their doom!' as he worded it for the crowds pleasure. Linda on the other hand was looking on with a worried expression on her face. "Don't hurt him Mello!" she blurted before retreating to a corner, red pumps still clutched in her small sweaty hands.

Matt put up two hands and the crowd silenced almost immediately. "Now, for the moment we've all been waiting for!" he started "Are our opponents ready!?" he screamed at the top of his lungs even though there was no need since it was already dead quiet. Mello and Near just gave him a small nod before the whole group heard Roger down the hall. "Mello! Stop torching the albino- I mean boy!" he yelled and you could tell that everyone was thinking the same thought; 'Why hadn't he heard us before?' But then they all ignored him as they heard his study's door close and went back to the heat of the competition, Mello and Near glaring at each other with their bread sticks up and ready.

Matt looked around blankly at everyone then turned to some kid next to him and whispered, "What happens now?" The kid got a weird look on his face and then the two looked around the room blankly together. "Uh, I dunno, maybe go?" the kid said as he backed up since everyone was looking at him and then the crowd shouted _GO_ together and the two people on each couch took off.

Mello and Near lost their balance for a moment from being caught off guard but quickly caught their composure.

"For the six inch bread stick!" Mello screamed over the crowd

"For the seven inch bread stick!" Near also screamed over the crowd and then the whole fight began again.

"Six!!"

"Seven!"

"Six!!!"

"Seven!"

"Six!!!"

"Seven!"

"Six you twit!! Six-" he was cut off as the two couches collided together and everyone could hear Matt in the back saying "Maybe I should have checked that set up" with a pained expression on his face.

The two boys went flying into midair and collided together before rolling onto the floor, the other kids running to get out of the way as the two began to fight it out on the floor. Screaming at the tops of their lungs their numbers and punching each other like there was no tomorrow. Once Mello finally got Near pinned down he began pulling on his white hair as Near screeched with pain. But then there was silence from the roaring crowd and they hear all the footsteps in the room running for an exit.

"No! Not the hair! Not the beautiful hair!!" An older voice screamed and then there was a hand pulling Mello off of Near by the back of his shirt and Mello froze looking up at who it was. L… Near curled up into a protective ball once he no longer felt his hair being tugged out of his head. "L!!!" Mello cried as he hung in mid-air and tried to grab him into a hug but L just had a hurt expression on his face as he looked down at him. He quickly grabbed Near as well and dragged them both into Roger's office, who of which was asleep and drooling on his desk with ear plugs in. Well, now we know why he couldn't hear anything…

_**One long story, and two punishments later…**_

"So, it was Matt's idea! You can't blame us!" Mello tried to persuade L and get them out of kitchen duty for the next three months. But L didn't even look like he cared; he just sat in Roger's large leather chair with his knees up to his chest sipping tea. Or should we say it used to be tea, it was more like liquid sugar now… Near meanwhile was sitting across from him in a smaller chair still in a ball and traumatized, his head ducked between his knees while he listened to Linda on the other side of the locked door pound and screech to be let in and see him. "That quiet enough Mello, I don't need to hear it. And don't worry; Matt will be punished in the helping of his mess as well." L said with a nod as he took another sip of his sugar.

"But, but-" Mello staggered and then was cut off by L. "No but's" L said and looked to Near before back to Mello. He smiled and got a smug look on his face before ending the whole meeting with one last thing. "And boys" Near looked up "A bread stick is six point five inches long." He said and Mello and Near's jaws dropped.

**Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!-- Just for you B! **

**Please click that little purdy button down there and tell me how horrid my writing is! XD **


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